This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
