I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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