just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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