I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Randomize
