do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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