u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize