god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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