tequila makes me forget i have legs
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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