I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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