I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
i think i scared a bird with my dick
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize