Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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