Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
