it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
