I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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