and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Randomize
