In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
