Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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