Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
