Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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