That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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