When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
