If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
