I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
