get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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