I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
