Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
