Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
