So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
