can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
