you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
