I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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