Dude my mom stole all your condoms
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
