I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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