trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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