i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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