Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
