During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
