I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
