please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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