Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
