I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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