Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Congratulations! We have a period
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