quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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