True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
