There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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