There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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