How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
