I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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