Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
