just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
