alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
