be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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