just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
