i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
