we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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