saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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