I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
