I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
