my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
