I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
