Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
