never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
