I think my vagina is haunted
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize