Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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