Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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